That sentence is the clearest distillation of my depression that I’ve managed to write.
I’m sad but I feel like today is going to be a good day.
My grandpa died angry. He lived to 100. Probably hated every minute of it. That’s about when I figured it’s genetic. My father is angry too. And so am I.
He made everyone miserable. The whole family of baby boomer kids and gen-x/millennial grandkids had to put up with his shit until the bitter end as the manbaby patriarch. Nobody cried at his funeral. You heard saying “not a dry eye”. If there’s an opposite then that was it.
Seeing the dysfunctional Trump family on the world stage these past 10 years has been all to familiar. At least with the millennials and gen-z in my family, the cycle of rigid traditional hierarchy isn’t being continued.
Just a thought, did your puberty start 40 years ago?
No, but my mental health definitely took a turn for the worse around that time which is probably true of many of us. 40 years ago I was a toddler.
That’s progress.
Even though it’s not pleasant, it gives you something to focus on.
Lots of positive directions you can go from here.
I could use some more of those if you’ve got any.
Those were the most fitting ones. Here are some that were a bit off the mark.
Repressed emotions explode as reactions.
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
I was confused for 35 years, until I eventually identified the right origin/cause - growing up in a dysfunctional family. That realization started my journey.
Relatable. I lived with mine into my thirties and it wasn’t until I’d lived on my own for several years that I realized I had no idea who I even was but I’m finally starting to figure that out.
A long road that starts you down, but you come out the other side better for it.
For me it was learning my family’s inherent guilt that’s on everything. That I don’t need to feel guilty and depressed because I said no to someone. For example, if someone in my family asks them to come help them move today with no warning but I have plans that I don’t need to feel guilty for months because I said no.
Oh and the whole forced door to door evangelism thing.
I felt the same way for a long time. Growing up, I never saw much reason to plan for a future that seemed perilous at best. Climate change was looming; now we are beginning to feel it. The social contract in the US was starting to fray; now it’s coming undone.
9/11, the surge of school shootings, multiple “once in a lifetime” recessions, decades of conflict and rampant anti-intellecualism made it seem silly to even consider something like a 401k when it felt like money would be meaningless by the time I retired; if I can retire at all.
Now, I’m content to let the old structures fall. There’s a few good or useful pieces in there, but the system as a whole has shown just how hollow or simply rotten some most of them are. I’m not hoping or advocating for collapse, only that if it were to happen in my lifetime, the little corner of humanity I occupy might have the ability to weather the storm.
Someone said it once, “look for the helpers”. In times of strife, there’s still good to be found.
I’m angry too. Always have been. When I was young, I was depressed and angry with the world or God for making feel like shit all the time. For abusing me and others.
Now as an adult I am depressed and angry because we could have a good life on this rock if people decided to do so. Pretty much all of the suffering that is endured by everyone of the planet only exists because some other people desire it to. They get something from all of the suffering. They are fulfilled by it.
And that makes me angry. It infuriates me that the nice and gentle and kind have always been too meek and mild to prevent evil from stomping through everything.
Because of the monstrous brutality of existence.
Life sucks, and then you die.
It’s monstrous, it’s cruel, it isn’t fair, and I’ll rage incandescent against it for every single second of my life, as everyone should.
Or, as someone much wiser put it “In the beginning the Universe was created. This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move”.
Have you talked to a medical professional?
They give adrenaline blockers out like candy, because there’s no real downsides and it’s good for your heart long term.
Without adrenaline you won’t be “angry” as much as “annoyed”. Which doesn’t sound like that great of a fix until you realize anger often creates feedback loops leading to people looking for stuff to be angry about
Like beta blockers? That actually sounds like it could be useful but unfortunately I was recently priced out of the health insurance market by some big beautiful bullshit. Maybe next year.
+1 for this. I had one provided for me for some minor heart palpitations and I wasn’t expecting it to make me the best me I’ve ever been.
Anger does give you the energy to be proactive about the situation, but the anger needs to be contained too - otherwise you’ll blow up your life and have many regrets.
I hate to write this but I believe that MDMA (ecstacy) is extremely effective for anger. Maybe think about it. For me it was very cathartic with just one smallish (beginners) dose. It made me realize that I was afraid of people, not just in the sense that larger more violent people could harm me, but I was afraid of all people and afraid of being too close. I decided to start jiu jitsu to overcome the fear of close contact with people and I also found that very helpful and empowering.
My son, 12… He’s been angry his whole life
I see the same angry face on him today that I saw when he was 6months old. My son has mental health issues, diagnosed, with treatment plans and strong support systems. He doesnt know what he is so angry all the time. I swear he was born angry, and I swear to help him cope with what will be, a life long affliction.
It’s sad man. :( “why am I like this” he’s said to me in tears. I don’t know, buy we’re trying. One day he’ll be an angry man, I just hope to give him a shot at joy, even if fleeting.
I’m sorry, that has to be hard for both of you. I hope he finds healthier ways to cope than I have.
Have you expressed your anger or used it as motivation for action?
Repressed emotions poison you from inside.
If possible express and act on your anger in a way that doesn’t harm other people. That includes yelling at them.
To process anger, I put on a metal playlist and headphones to then dance, box the air, and grunt outside at night.
I scream into pillows regularly, and into the windshield when I’m alone on the road. It’s not as relieving as crying but I’m usually too angry/numb to be able to do so.
Seems like there are other unprocessed and suppressed emotions.
Feeling numb usually comes from suppressed emotions.
It seems like rage is one of the few emotions you can feel.
What do you think of the relationship between anger and fear? I heard a philosopher on a mental health podcast today describe them as two sides of the same coin and it got me thinking about anger in the context of our hardwired flight or flight (or fawn or freeze) responses.
Not for everybody, but you might check out the enneagram. If only because it’s a relief to see yourself, contextualize your personal bs, and see how different the bs of other people can be. I think that framework made me more self-accepting.
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ you don’t need to take a test. You can just read about the types and see what resonates with you.
Learning and training my mind with meditation has really helped me a lot. I feel like i have control of my mind. Now even when im not actively meditating, i can see thoughts bubble into my head, and i can look at them from the outside, and just casually either dismiss them as not useful in the moment, or allow them to continue.
Its helped me. That and gym to train the body too.
