I love to make really bad similes/metaphors like “I have the memory of a fish with very poor memory” or “I’m as tall as a tree thats my height”.

  • AllHailTheSheep@sh.itjust.works
    6·
    2 days ago

    this one doesn’t work quite as well without speaking. but

    “how do you think the unthinkable?”

    “with an itheberg.” (iceberg with a lisp)

              • Spykee@lemmings.world
                2·
                1 day ago

                Dude.
                Bruh!
                Broski…
                Okay, I’ll make a final attempt…
                In the joke, the ‘thinkable’ is actually ‘sinkable’.
                Which is not clear when you say it the first time because it sounds like you’re saying ‘think’ & ‘thinkable’, both of which are actually words.
                Trick lies in enunciating the punchline.
                Hence the Mike Tyson reference.
                Now, if you still haven’t got it, I really hope you are very very very rich so that you can survive in this world with that super smooth brain in your skull.
                If you did get it now, henceforth it is your ethical and moral duty to spread this stupid-ass joke every time you get the chance.
                God speed and be weird.

  • Fondots@lemmy.world
    93·
    4 days ago

    Another one I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of

    I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

    Now, anytime I’m in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I’ll let out an audible groan of frustration.

    Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room “What’s wrong?”

    To which I always reply “Another wooden ball”

    Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife. She never seems to see it coming.

  • yesman@lemmy.world
    22·
    3 days ago

    What do you call a fly with legs without wings? A walk.

    Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second man says “no such a thing as a bacon tree, that’s just a mirage”, but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush”.

  • Fondots@lemmy.world
    471·
    4 days ago

    So you know how geese fly in that V-formation to reduce air resistance?

    You know how sometimes the one arm of the “V” is longer than the other?

    You know why that is?

    spoiler

    Because that side has more geese.

    Best told while you’re just out shooting the shit walking around outside when you can point out some geese acting like you’re just pointing out another fun nature fact.

    • LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world
      11·
      4 days ago

      Fuck I said the same thing with seagulls lol

      I hate that the joke makes me laugh, but I think it’s mostly because my spouse hates it, so I just look at the birds if I see them now, and shes like NO!

  • LifeInMultipleChoice@lemmy.world
    39·
    4 days ago

    "Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

    … “There’s more birds on that side”

    It’s so fucking dumb and all about timing

    • gazter@aussie.zone
      31·
      4 days ago

      God damnit, three replies in this thread, and one of them is someone who beat me to the one I was going to say! Well played.

      My second favourite, then-

      Do you know the heading cause of dry skin?

      spoiler

      Towels.

    • agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works
      2·
      3 days ago

      I do a two part variation:

      What do you call a deer with no eyes?

      !No eye deer (“No idea” with an accent)!<

      What do you call a fish with no eyes?

      !Fsshh!<

  • btsax@reddthat.com
    16·
    3 days ago

    Works better when spoken but just say this in your head really fast

    What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

      • MinnesotaGoddam@lemmy.world
        11·
        3 days ago

        i have a friend who loves to tell the interrupting cow joke
        he always fucks it up though, so instead of interrupt-mooo you get

        knock knock

        who’s there

        interrupting cow

        interrupting cow who

        dammit

        he’s a funny guy.

  • kofe@lemmy.worldEnglish
    42·
    4 days ago

    Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other “damn, it’s hot in here.” The other says “AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??”

  • _stranger_@lemmy.world
    40·
    4 days ago

    Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

  • Diddlydee@feddit.ukEnglish
    301·
    3 days ago

    Why do the french never have 2 eggs for breakfast?

    Because 1 egg’s un oeuf.