i keep an ongoing self-sabotage streak with what good universe gives me, with little sense of self-worth, no place of security, feeling constant deja vu illusions about the future to not feel surprised in the present.
i never get angry because i feel unentitled to be that - my boundaries are scary to defend.
i keep pushing myself to not disappoint because it feels like life and death exclusion - yet i always fail what i set out to not disappoint with because i was running on steam.
Another way to put the good comment above is that right now, you have given your self-worth evaluation to other people. You rely on them to decide how to feel about yourself. Reclaiming your self-worth is taking back that control and judging yourself by internal metrics rather than what you believe other people may think