So I usually go long winded and “intense” when I do these things.

So please note this is another long post.

But recently, I was on a involuntary “dopamine depravation”, basically had no electrical power for 5 days and I was stuck in the home and by the 3 day I was I guess going crazy - I guess “lost in the sauce” as it were as my brain went into overload just going over a whole lot of negative stuff. I did sit outside during this period a couple times a day but by night time did the brain go into overdrive.

I had to physically and mentally(mostly) exhaust myself to sleep or try and find someone sort of temporary self-acceptance to focus on to remain calm.

It was like I have been ignoring my demons and it came out to play.

It was like replaying thoughts and trying to find connections to things, looking at why things make me felt the way it did and I was forced to at least try to be honest with myself with things.

When the electricity came back, it was a dopamine rush and tried to take steps to at least deal with at least one of the more pressing problems that was screaming at me.

Doing this and while confronting it, I sort of realise that most of my dominant memories which stretch back all the way to primary school (grade 1 and I am almost 40 now) are usually negative with the strongest almost having a strong resonance to reliving those experiences.

I can close my eyes and start popping off a lot of those moments down to roughly the year with hazy recollection of how it looked like but I can remember how I felt. Most of them are bad memories, especially linked to strong emotion (which I know results in a panic attack if it gets too much and go into “reset mode”)

For example, the time I actually received some proper attention was years ago from a bad break up which led to going into a very dangerous place when I perceived the other person had escalated the problem.

Long story short - when I close my eyes and think of the moment I almost lost it my muscles tighten up almost immediately and I have a slightly accelerated breathing. When I tried explaining it while writing, my chest was getting hot, my breathing got heavier and I felt the adrenaline heat and excitement like activating fighter or flight as I was thinking back to that moment.

That moment was the angriest I had ever been and I was the pins edge of snapping and the student therapists helped me a lot with that anger, even had me sign a “suicide prevention pact”. They did a lot to get me to calm down. I still use that anger as a litmus test for my anger and try to make sure I never get that angry again.

When I wrote the above, that my mind starts “recompute” to that event and my brain “locks in” and prepares interlocked points and it is sorted and “presented” to me with most relevant point.

Making personal correlations about living in the emotion when I recall things, I sort of stumble upon all these terrible emotions tied to memories is maybe the result of decades of built up traumas that have developed PTSD-like effects. When I “live” through that memory I can have vivid flashback, how my framing is like that is in the moment living that emotion and writing it in a way of how I felt in that moment.

I have carried all these small traumas over the years that have never been resolved like mental fly sticky papers and it makes me start to wonder why I have so much trouble connecting with people and how I feel like I am stuck in a tarpit.

If I had to imagine my inner self in a series of colours, It is like a raging black maelstrom with orbs or spheres of differing colours, representing an idea or person, swimming in it. So the story I just told is like a raging fire that has cracks but it is sealed and the core is stable. If I had to take a take something unresolved then it would be a sphere slowly being consumed as the maelstrom seeps in the cracks until all that is left is a a small sphere engulfed in darkness.

I am probably poor in my social skills from unresolved early development bullying and isolation - but I sort of forced myself to be able to be social when I need to be by, I think, observation and imitation.

My love life is atrocious and fraught with a lot of emotions that I feel became traumas and as a result I feel has also left me bitter with myself and lost hope.

I cannot even have the will to go outside unless I have an valid and tangible objective then I can walk for potentially a few hours if need be.

I mean I don’t know much about these things so I did some googling and stumbled across complex PTSD, and made me think a part of why I am so miserable is I must be living in a state of some form of chronic PTSD.

I feel like have evolved my “addiction” to mental stimulation (currently writing is on rotation) because if I cannot distract my brain with something. I fall into this deep self talk which is generally a negative headspace where I think I guess I feed the unresolved traumas.

What makes it worst is the last time I tried getting mental health help through the free services here, it was not a pleasant experience. A friend of mine had to contact them and I don’t know how, convinced them to call me back as they didn’t want to contact me at the time after I told them I had issues answering the phone quickly (phone’s speakers where broken so I had to plug in a earpieces to answer the phone). It was generally 3 rings and then hang up.

Anyway to paraphrase in less tactful way their response in summary was: get a job, touch grass and go back to the clinic, they have other people to talk to (number specified) which felt like “we have limited time and don’t have time to waste on you.”

And this really angers me because if I am not acting in a way that is considered high risk it feels like I am not being taken seriously. I mean stopped going to the free clinic when they stopped bothering to even discuss my mental state and it became a case of collect pills and leave.

Again apologies for the long post, I couldn’t sleep and decided to try and express something that I feel could help get me closer to an idea what I might be suffering from as I never really got a formal diagnosis the last time I was at the clinic.