One of the things that kept me stuck here for so long was the belief that most men were just as violent as my dad and brother were. I took men being physical as evidence that they would kill people who made them angry. Since Dad constantly threatened my life whenever I did something he didn’t like, I assumed that men outside would just kill me since there aren’t any family ties (which I thought was the only reason my dad spared me).

it sounds like you’re saying you have a kink, right?

Pretty much, but my kink is literally just being held and playfully overwhelmed with kisses. My brain would constantly tell me that I’d never be able to find a partner because the thing that turned me on was too childish and female-dominant. I started feeling better than I realized that I likely only felt so much shame about this because of my parents’ contempt for giving comfort and affection, coloring the act as taboo.

I think my parents keep my documents in a safe, which means they’ll have to know if I’m leaving. Maybe I can get the police to assist me in retrieving them?

I learned to program on my own pretty decently and made a website that a few thousand people use in a niche gaming community. I basically built a free product that’s very useful to a specific set of people.

Unfortunately, my college plans got sidetracked because I developed a chronic illness and it’s been hard to go places and pay attention to lectures. I tried online college at home, but my brother’s violence made it impossible to focus. Without a source of income, trying to continue with college might be risky, since I may not find a way to repay all of the debt.

Even homelessness is better than this.

I’m worried about freezing to death. Do you know of any decent cities in the U.S.? I have enough money to get a plane ticket to any state in the country.

Fortunately (or unfortunately?) I’m an adult, so at least I have more options.

I’m still deprogramming from all of this stuff. I have my first therapy appointment next week and I’m starting to realize that my situation might be particularly spicy. I kind of thought on some level that this totalitarian control is just the average conservative household and I just had to deal with it for a little longer. But now that my brother is getting angrier and making death threats against my own parents, I’m starting to think that my only option is to get the FUCK out of here.

What has therapy been like for you? I’ve never done therapy before, and I’m kind of worried they’ll try to criticize and gaslight me into playing nice with people who I’m 90% sure are narcissists or try to get me to ignore the limitations that my health problems give me. (But then again, I can’t help but notice that I was socially conditioned to expect shame, punishment, and destructive guidance if I ask for help.)

I’ve actually had a few fantasies about using my fingers. I think for me the main thing is that I enjoy sex that is sensual and massage-like compared to something rough or vigorous (like thrusting tends to be). Fast pacing or forceful movements, no matter what the activity is, are turn-offs for me, but something deep and slow-paced that feels like you’re melting into one another is wonderful.

Maybe it isn’t wise for me to fully write off penetration, because I might implicitly be assuming that penetration can’t be slow and melty. And even if it isn’t my favorite thing, maybe I can enjoy the emotional atmosphere and feelings of closeness. So perhaps the most important thing is having that compatible slower-paced energy and being willing to try things rather than completely relying on my flawed human intuition.

I have a habit of casting the things that make me unique in a negative light and getting very doomer-y about them isolating me from everyone else (or at the very least being a major liability), rather than believing that my differences can be appreciated or compromises can be made. Maybe that’s the real issue here.