Separation anxiety is what happens when you can’t find your phone.

The opportunity of a lifetime passed before him as he tried to decide between a cone or a cup.

He was surprised that his immense laziness was inspirational to others.

We will not allow you to bring your pet armadillo along.

Buried deep in the snow, he hoped his batteries were fresh in his avalanche beacon.

I’m a living furnace.

She saw the brake lights, but not in time.

Harrold felt confident that nobody would ever suspect his spy pigeon.

The fact that there’s a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell explains life well.

You have no right to call yourself creative until you look at a trowel and think that it would make a great lockpick.

I can’t believe this is the eighth time I’m smashing open my piggy bank on the same day!

It’s a skateboarding penguin with a sunhat!

For oil spots on the floor, nothing beats parking a motorbike in the lounge.

It was always dangerous to drive with him since he insisted the safety cones were a slalom course.

Kevin embraced his ability to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

It took him a month to finish the meal.

The family’s excitement over going to Disneyland was crazier than she anticipated.

She can live her life however she wants as long as she listens to what I have to say.

The estate agent quickly marked out his territory on the dance floor.

Barking dogs and screaming toddlers have the unique ability to turn friendly neighbors into cranky enemies.