Jesus christ eternal recurrence is terrifying…

I had a terrifying moment of being running away at age 6…

Do I have to do that… again? and again? and again?

Well tbf now I got an icebreaker?

Someone ask my life story?

LOL I will trauma dump on them

Its traumatic but trauma also makes my future wikipedia article (if I ever get famous) much more interesting to read… like my “Early Life” segment is gonna be insane…

Lmao I didn’t get it until I read this comment and suddenly remembered about the fertility crisis

Don’t forget your Chairman Trump’s little thin-blue-line books, patriot! You don’t wanna know what happens when the Little 'Murican Guards get you.

Call America what you want, that’s your right, but there is a clear distinction between what happens before when you have an anti-obama meme or anti-biden meme, vs now having an anti-trump meme. The degree of authoritarianism is far worse these days than before.

If you view the US as evil before, then you should view the current iteration as evil²

In 2019 protests, Hong Kong Protesters say that before getting taken away…

now this is happening in the US…

This is the stuff Americans criticize CCP for… America is now becoming the very thing it said it would destroy.

I cried a lot in school… I got labeled “the crybaby”… and I’m male so its even worse…

I had to deal with xenophobia and bullying, and also emotionally volitile home… partly contributed by society and financial instability in early childhood…

Then I learned I had to stop crying or everyone would just distance themselves away from me, “mature kids”, especially males, are not allowed to express emotions… society view it as a weakness.

So starting like middle school… I had to hold in my emotions while at school… or at least I tried by best to… and especially in highschool, I has to just hold in my emotions…

So I cried in my room a lot when the situation at home explodes and I get yelled at and feel threatened by my older brother… I just cry in my room, wondering if I should call the police… but involving authorities is very frowned upon… cuz back home in China, people do not ever involve the authorities for domestic violence… its “private family matters” and cops would walk away… so this was just normal for family stuff to be dealt with internally…

So cops getting involved is like: parents and brother be like “why are these American authorities so fucking nosy?”…

Like one of the first things my mom warned me about when we arrived in the US is: “don’t trust CPS, you don’t want to get taken away and never see us again do you?”…

so yea… I cant do anything about it…

Imagine being an immigrant Asian kid in a place with a bunch of white and black kids… yea that imagery felt scary… I felt like I was in foreign land…

So I cry a lot then get tired and fall asleep and then wake up next morning and mom tells me to wash my face so I don’t get reported to CPS for going to school with my fave full of tears…

So I get it…

Recently I found this song called “Because of You”

and this line struck me:

“I cannot cry, because I know that is weakness in your eyes.
I’m forced to fake, a smile, a laugh, every day of my life.”

So I just start singing that song as coping mechanism every time I feel sad…

And I feel like I created this “bubble” where I feel in control… I’m the most proficient English speaker in my house, this is MY language, my realm, distance my self from my family… just temporarily forget about them… I’m in my mind… feeling as if I’m just on this island by myself… build a wall around my “island”, a fortress where I imagine being safe… but that’s sadly only temporary and only in my mind…

“In your opinion, do aliens exist in Area 51?”

Tbf I don’t know how much “actual” danger I was in. More about the “potential dangers”… like:

I was Guangzhou, China. Ran away from home after my older brother was chasing me around the house… i don’t remember what instigated it, allegedly I touched his toys? and he didn’t like it and got mad at me and wanna beat me… grandma was home and didn’t do shit since she’s old af, so I just… ran to the door, opened it, rans out the apartment, down the stairs, into the alleyway of my building (not really a “street”, not much cars or traffic, you’d have to walk like 10-20 minutes to get to the main road), and my building was next to 白云山 so I just went there up the mountain… instead of going to the main street…

IDK why I did that. I was 6 years old… decision making ability wasn’t the greatest…

I didn’t wanna be followed by grandma… I was angry… I wanna get away from home… so going though the path in the mountains with the twist and turns would lose anyone following… (I mean I remember the location so if you want I can show you in baidu maps)

Before that incident, I went to 白云山 often with parents… so that’s probably why I felt comfortable venturing there…

so… yeah… a 6 year old boy in around the late 2000s… all alone… crying… prime target for a would-be kidnapper…

I was told that kidnappings were a widespread thing that authorities didn’t/couldn’t do much about… mom later scolded me about it… I got so terrified after that incident…

so, anyways… then I took a path that exited the mountain near my school which was also right next to the mountain area, it was an off day, no school… I think I only went to that area because that’s the only exit from the mountain that I knew of… cuz sometimes my parent or grandma… whoever was watching me that day… would take me trough that shortcut by the mountain to school to save time from the “normal” path through the city area…

So I then went towards the main street 广州大道北 on the alternate alleyway… and ventured into the big city… I took a bus to my mom’s work place at her electronics store in a mall… bus driver didn’t give a shit, probably assumed I’m someone elses’s kid…

Got there, mom wasn’t at work…

So then I took the bus home… missed my stop cuz I fell asleep… like holy hell I fell asleep, someone could’ve grabbed me and claimed they were my parent and I doubt anyone would intervene…

So I walked back that 1 stop of distance back to the stop I was supposed to stop at and it felt like it was 30 minutes away… felt like an hour to me… then I saw mom with a bunch of cops and we got reunited…

Mom got alerted by grandma so she got off from work to report me missing… that why she wasn’t at work when I got there

I was gone for probably several hours… could’ve been kidnapped and possibly murdered for organs at any time. My mom told me about that young boys that would get organs harvested by traffickers and girls would get sex trafficked.

I still have trauma from that day… mom blamed me because technically I ran out of the house on my own free will, but it was my older brother who made the house felt unsafe in the first place… he’s 5 years older than me btw

But other than that would be the countless times where at any moment I could’ve accidentally fall in tracks in the US subways… or get hit by a car… but everyone is also just as “close to death” as I am so the millions of “averted accidents” aren’t that unique… but yea that one childhood running away incident is the most traumatizing one… the most unique to my upbringing…

God damn reliving that memory, I felt like my 6 year old self was so stupid, why the fuck did I run away, like if I died, my older brother would’d probably be celebrating to becoming the only child again… like he was originally supposed to anyways…

Probably on the list of “wow that’s new” if I go to therapy… yea I need therapy honestly but I feel like therapist are so fucking dismissive… even in the west where acceptance of mental health struggles is supposed to be “more accepting”

Edit: also when I talked to my mom about it a few months ago, she’s like “that’s in the past, just forget about it, also it was your fault for running away” jesus christ 😭

Edit 2: For context, mom didn’t even think I could go that far away, I think they only searched my neighborhood, she was so shocked I know how to go to her workplace being that young. If I forgot my way back… my life could’ve been in big danger.

One explanation would be that because “immoral you” doesn’t end up with the same universe as someone else who is also immortal.

Like, there is a universe where someone. survived 100 lightning strikes, but the odds of “you” being in those universes are very slim.

Like the odds of Person A surving 100 lightning strikes + Person B surviving 20 car crashes + Person C surviving getting shot 50 serpate incidents… and you also being in that universe, thats rare…

1 out of infinity is almost zero

There are universes without any life at all…

And like there is a universe that your great geandparents are alive because of some miracle anti aging cure found, but that universe might have a dead “you” so you never get to witness it.

Okay sorry I’m just rambling, hard to express in words

I got yelled by a driver “Watch where you’re walking! 😡” when I was depressed and walking alone to school and crossing a low-traffic street…

Yea I kinda felt even more depressed that day…

Lolol, this was so 6d that it took my depressed brain a whole minute to interpret the meaning

Because I also never heard it before.

I’m ethnic Chinese and I dont think people in China dated in highschool and I think diasporas (especially kids of 1st gen parents) have some of same tendencies of “you better have good grades” so I don’t think its exactly abnormal to not have a romantic relationship for someone like me. Like at least half of Asians I talked to did not have a romantic relationship.

So yea I never even attempted to have romance with anyone… tbf the urges were not even that high… idk why… might be partly asexual or something… Idk how to even masturbate…

As for friends… well idk if I ever had “friends” cuz I like never really hang out with people outside of school… so… yea its more like “acquaintances” in my view.

But after highschool was done its basically no contact at this point… thanks mom for not letting me have a phone for like the last 3/4 of highschool… (well tbf I broke my last one and they never wanted to replace it so… I guess its my fault sort of… 🙃)

My older brother doesn’t ever have romance either, so yea I’m not alone in “being alone” lmfao, he’s a racist shithead and socially awkward…

So my mom was afraid he’d “be alone for the rest of his life” so arranged via her networks of “friends of friends” for him to meet some girl in China… and he just got a 10 year visa to visit China lol… so yeah…

And yea I’m also Gen Z in early 20s

ValentiNes

lmao when I was a kid, I used to think its Valen times like its someone name Valen that was deeply in love so this holiday was named after her because it’s “her time” when she fell in love which is why its Valen’s Time… Valentimes…

Use punctuation and capitalization of you want people to read your scrawl

👀🤣

late reply was just scrolling through c/asklemmy

I read that Asian Male and Black Female are the most “undesirable” in the western dating world… so… yeah…

Tough luck

Which is why my older brother is going back to China for marriage lmfao

Cuz he aint ever gonna get with a girl here in the US, hes socially awkward af, and there’s just a lot of Asians girls dating white dudes… so yeah…

I don’t feel like going back to China due to political reasons so I guess I’ll just remain single for the rest of my life, since I’m an “undesirable” to most people… 🙃

Edit: I mean I guess I can go to Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia, and maybe meet ethnic Chinese… but I doubt my US Citizenship and being able to come to the US is even desirable to them when considering… um… current politics… 👀

But then again, my brother has a visa ready to go back to China and presumably gonna bring some girl to the US after they get married… so like… idk wtf is he even doing, my mom orchestrated all his dating stuff… arranged marriage basically… 🤷‍♂️

based

I thought about the tree thing alot.

I mean coffins seem so lame… tree is new life, its kinda beautiful in a way that is hard ti explain

I don’t even spotify 💀, I’m an amateur when it comes to music…

Hey I heard about a bunch of men that want to be going their own way, maybe that’ll be a nice spot to put those people

glances at OP’s instance name

Wait till your phone start generating fake photos of your past to gaslight you

Hell, any digital journals you keep could be a fake one replaced by AI

If every American voted in PRIMARIES, BERNIE WOULD’VE WON 2016!

Lemme guess, did they shoot the one with a “foreign” skin tone?