I don’t know all you’ve been through. I can see your in pain. I don’t even know if I have anything wise to say other than I never really understood my parents till i was in middle age and only after one of them died. What I came to understand was through all their faults, failures and trial’s they both tried their best. Often failing. I reflected on my own failings and regret. Through it all I love them dearly.
I guess mostly I wanted you to know that you’re being herd, what you feel is valid. You are not alone.
No matter, it’s always in the last place I look. Future me’s got that shit on lock!