Quite frankly I’m just at a loss at this point. Been on the therapy and meds journey for almost a year now, and did the whole exercise shebang consistently for like 2 years. I was doing cardio for an hour every 1-2 days.

I am getting quite disillusioned and don’t understand what I’m even doing anymore. I’m getting so caught up in various things that I’m just confused as all hell. Every time I think I figure something out, I end up so wrong it’s almost like it’s not even funny.

I have intense reactions to rejection. I have extreme and intense negative emotions that persist for many hours and days after a trigger and they are very painful and difficult to deal with and can impair functioning. I have a lot of social anxiety, which I did not think contributed much to this. But now I’m wondering if I have a pattern of social anxiety --> extreme rejection sensitivity --> extreme emotional dysregulation.

I have been on escitalopram (Lexapro), then lamotrigine (Lamictal), and now quetiapine (Seroquel). I do not have ADHD. I do not have bipolar disorder. I don’t even have persistent depression. I have periodic extreme episodes that cause a lot of distress and can cause functional impairment like how my work threatened to fire me. I also have intense shame and self-hatred, often babbling to my online friends nonsense about how I’m a “demon” when I get this way. I am also totally normal 90% of the time. It’s only the remaining 10% that causes the struggle.

People always tell me to “go to therapy”. I am. I have seen multiple therapists and have been consistent with this one since the fall. People tell me I don’t put enough work. I am. People tell me I am not honest enough to my providers. I am. People tell me try a different therapist. I have tried many (I stick with my main one for continuity and so that I don’t have to keep rehashing my backstory).

At this point I feel like I don’t know what is down and what is up. I no longer understand what my problem is anymore. Every time I think I figure out what my issue is, every time I think I figure out a technique to help me, I’m wrong.

I’m starting to think that this is who I am. It is unchangeable. I experience a lot of pain and sensitivity where others don’t. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I think it can’t be changed.

Idk where do I go from here, friends? Thank you to those who have read my entire rant lmao.

  • kurodriel@lemmy.dbzer0.comEnglish
    2·
    5 days ago
    1. Anxiety, hyperfixation, irritability, difficulty dealing with schedule changes, mental inflexibility, etc. It is not that strong, but enough to drain me during bad periods. Neither therapy or meds actually helped me, I felt stuck and without a visible way out. A little while my therapist suggested I get a neuropsycological evaluation (direct translation, don’t know if the name in actually this in english). And I got a strong possibility (investigating now) of being on the spectrum, altough my “support level” is the lowest (my characteristics aren’t that high in ant of the spectrum characteristics. And most of my expereriences seemed to fit in the problems undiagnosed adults goes through.
    2. It seems too early to day anything with confidance, but so Far, I feel like I understand the reason behind my feelings and behaviours.

    It is called spectrum for a reason, you don’t need to fit them all, and could have manageable levels in some of them, but having to compensate in others. As you therapist said, and undiagnosed neurodivergency could be a reason the therapy poor results, It is like they aré following a script that wont work on u.