Quite frankly I’m just at a loss at this point. Been on the therapy and meds journey for almost a year now, and did the whole exercise shebang consistently for like 2 years. I was doing cardio for an hour every 1-2 days.
I am getting quite disillusioned and don’t understand what I’m even doing anymore. I’m getting so caught up in various things that I’m just confused as all hell. Every time I think I figure something out, I end up so wrong it’s almost like it’s not even funny.
I have intense reactions to rejection. I have extreme and intense negative emotions that persist for many hours and days after a trigger and they are very painful and difficult to deal with and can impair functioning. I have a lot of social anxiety, which I did not think contributed much to this. But now I’m wondering if I have a pattern of social anxiety --> extreme rejection sensitivity --> extreme emotional dysregulation.
I have been on escitalopram (Lexapro), then lamotrigine (Lamictal), and now quetiapine (Seroquel). I do not have ADHD. I do not have bipolar disorder. I don’t even have persistent depression. I have periodic extreme episodes that cause a lot of distress and can cause functional impairment like how my work threatened to fire me. I also have intense shame and self-hatred, often babbling to my online friends nonsense about how I’m a “demon” when I get this way. I am also totally normal 90% of the time. It’s only the remaining 10% that causes the struggle.
People always tell me to “go to therapy”. I am. I have seen multiple therapists and have been consistent with this one since the fall. People tell me I don’t put enough work. I am. People tell me I am not honest enough to my providers. I am. People tell me try a different therapist. I have tried many (I stick with my main one for continuity and so that I don’t have to keep rehashing my backstory).
At this point I feel like I don’t know what is down and what is up. I no longer understand what my problem is anymore. Every time I think I figure out what my issue is, every time I think I figure out a technique to help me, I’m wrong.
I’m starting to think that this is who I am. It is unchangeable. I experience a lot of pain and sensitivity where others don’t. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I think it can’t be changed.
Idk where do I go from here, friends? Thank you to those who have read my entire rant lmao.
You might be doing better than you realize. Change on this stuff is so slow that it can sneak up on you. Do you journal at all?
Not really. Idk what I would really have to journal about. My life is pretty mundane. My therapist had me filling out an emotion log for a while but tbh I stopped doing it. I could only log stuff certain times a day so I ended up reflecting more than noticing in the moment. Now when I feel something negative, I don’t wait until the end of the day to reflect and log, but I try to do it when I notice it come up.
I mega failed a couple of weeks ago. Had an incredibly sustained stressful week where all of my skills failed to soothe me. I tried to use them repeatedly and repeatedly and tried riding the waves again and again. It culminated in a very heightened, distressed state in the end where I could not ride the last wave. I forgot all of my skills and didn’t use TIPP and could not calm down without saying some things that scared a lot of people. I haven’t been that bad in many months, but I also hadn’t had that many sustained stressors/triggers in a long while either.
Every time I make a couple of steps forward, intake 17 steps back.