Quite frankly I’m just at a loss at this point. Been on the therapy and meds journey for almost a year now, and did the whole exercise shebang consistently for like 2 years. I was doing cardio for an hour every 1-2 days.

I am getting quite disillusioned and don’t understand what I’m even doing anymore. I’m getting so caught up in various things that I’m just confused as all hell. Every time I think I figure something out, I end up so wrong it’s almost like it’s not even funny.

I have intense reactions to rejection. I have extreme and intense negative emotions that persist for many hours and days after a trigger and they are very painful and difficult to deal with and can impair functioning. I have a lot of social anxiety, which I did not think contributed much to this. But now I’m wondering if I have a pattern of social anxiety --> extreme rejection sensitivity --> extreme emotional dysregulation.

I have been on escitalopram (Lexapro), then lamotrigine (Lamictal), and now quetiapine (Seroquel). I do not have ADHD. I do not have bipolar disorder. I don’t even have persistent depression. I have periodic extreme episodes that cause a lot of distress and can cause functional impairment like how my work threatened to fire me. I also have intense shame and self-hatred, often babbling to my online friends nonsense about how I’m a “demon” when I get this way. I am also totally normal 90% of the time. It’s only the remaining 10% that causes the struggle.

People always tell me to “go to therapy”. I am. I have seen multiple therapists and have been consistent with this one since the fall. People tell me I don’t put enough work. I am. People tell me I am not honest enough to my providers. I am. People tell me try a different therapist. I have tried many (I stick with my main one for continuity and so that I don’t have to keep rehashing my backstory).

At this point I feel like I don’t know what is down and what is up. I no longer understand what my problem is anymore. Every time I think I figure out what my issue is, every time I think I figure out a technique to help me, I’m wrong.

I’m starting to think that this is who I am. It is unchangeable. I experience a lot of pain and sensitivity where others don’t. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I think it can’t be changed.

Idk where do I go from here, friends? Thank you to those who have read my entire rant lmao.

  • Apytele@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    6·
    2 days ago

    EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Somebody else asked if your environment is otherwise safe which I agree with but decent DBT should be coaching you on how to address that. The only other modality I can think that will likely help / hopefully get you the rest of the way there is EMDR since it helps to reprogram your memory processing a little better than behavioral therapy alone. You might also consider TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) since it night help bridge some neurochemical deficits that you’re struggling to address with medication. It’s noninvasive, they don’t cut / open anything and it’s pain free so they don’t have to put you under like they would for ECT.

    That said, that is NOT a long med list and you seem unclear on what the medications are for vs what your symptoms are. None of those medications are for ADHD, and those periodic increases in emotional sensitivity are basically textbook bipolar. Honestly I’m thinking you may need to communicate better with your doctors or find ones that are better communicators if you can.

    • dingus@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
      3·
      2 days ago

      That said, that is NOT a long med list and you seem unclear on what the medications are for vs what your symptoms are. None of those medications are for ADHD, and those periodic increases in emotional sensitivity are basically textbook bipolar. Honestly I’m thinking you may need to communicate better with your doctors or find ones that are better communicators if you can.

      My providers seem to be more keen on treating symptoms (ex: rn quetiapine for dramatic mood shifts, Lexapro was for depressive spells and anxiety, etc.). I was also briefly on Luvox and didn’t mention it because it was really short and a low dose. She was titrating me up on it recently but then abruptly switched me to Seroquel after I told her about my most recent extreme reaction.

      I am not being treated for ADHD because I don’t have ADHD. They one and only “symptom” I have of ADHD is sensitivity to rejection. I know it’s popular nowadays for people to claim that you must have ADHD if you have that. But in reality, there are a lot of conditions that involve rejection sensitivity. It’s not only ADHD. For me, the rejection sensitivity stems from social anxiety and possibly borderline personality disorder on top of it.

      I also do not have bipolar disorder. I have been screened for it numerous times. I need to clarify that my “episodes” have a significantly shorter duration than what is required for bipolar disorder. My episodes are also generally trigger based and do NOT involve sleep disturbances. These things point a lot more towards borderline personality disorder.

      I do know borderline personality disorder is refractory to most meds, but I feel like I really really need something in order to help to better use the skills.

      Yeah, I’ve been told by others in life that I need to seek other providers, but it just gets so exhausting and expensive doing that. There is a new person I was going to call today I guess.

      I’ll definitely keep trying, keeping all of your guys’ thoughts in mind. But it’s definitely not as simple as people like to make it sound. I am trying.