often becomes adults who are extraordinarily competent
yeah… about that…
(still financially dependent (and emotionally attached to my mother since I never felt confident to explore the world on my own and make friends))
As for the resentment…
You have no idea how much I just hate my birth country.
I have this fantasy of having a perfect relationship with my mother but its this stupid ass ultra-conservative culture that destroyed that could’ve been.
Every time I my mom yells at me… every time I have conflict with family… I just can’t stop thinking: I fucking hate China, fucking toxic culture
I kinda feel like all this shame of my depression is like the spirits of my ancestors taunting me, calling me a coward for not being able to just “be strong” or whatever the fuck that means… so I just hate that country as a proxy to hating my parents… whom I don’t really want to hate… so I blame the culture, the country instead… the toxic culture robbed me of my relationship with my family of origin…
And for that, I will forever hate China… I never wanna re-visit that place ever again…
Who the fuck even wanna deal with the firewall bullshit and censorship on top of it? Jeez… I rather face my risks in the US of ICE or whatever, at least if I get shot by ICE, I would actually get sympathy… in China, they’d call me a lazy loser and totally ignore the existence of depression… and at least I could binge watch youtube in the US… China has zero media and is boring af… idk how people even survive the boredom…
I don’t want this to come off wrong or as condescending, but if you have access to a therapist there in China, I humbly suggest you seek out their advice. They might help you sidestep some of the cultural hurdles you feel are in the way of what you want.
My family emigrated and I’m currently in the US, where thankfully there is more acceptance for mental health issues.
And yes I’m in the process of getting help for depression… I did an intake last month… I had an evaluation today on a virtual appointment… but idk how long this shit is gonna take…
Next appointment is like… 2 weeks from now…
Idk why they keep repeatedly asking similar questions… ugh…
I can now see why people sometimes get desparate and start “talking” to an “AI” (aka: LLMs)
yeah… about that…
(still financially dependent (and emotionally attached to my mother since I never felt confident to explore the world on my own and make friends))
As for the resentment…
You have no idea how much I just hate my birth country.
I have this fantasy of having a perfect relationship with my mother but its this stupid ass ultra-conservative culture that destroyed that could’ve been.
Every time I my mom yells at me… every time I have conflict with family… I just can’t stop thinking: I fucking hate China, fucking toxic culture
I kinda feel like all this shame of my depression is like the spirits of my ancestors taunting me, calling me a coward for not being able to just “be strong” or whatever the fuck that means… so I just hate that country as a proxy to hating my parents… whom I don’t really want to hate… so I blame the culture, the country instead… the toxic culture robbed me of my relationship with my family of origin…
And for that, I will forever hate China… I never wanna re-visit that place ever again…
Who the fuck even wanna deal with the firewall bullshit and censorship on top of it? Jeez… I rather face my risks in the US of ICE or whatever, at least if I get shot by ICE, I would actually get sympathy… in China, they’d call me a lazy loser and totally ignore the existence of depression… and at least I could binge watch youtube in the US… China has zero media and is boring af… idk how people even survive the boredom…
Fuck CCP, Fuck Confucious, Fuck “Filial Piety”
/end rant
I don’t want this to come off wrong or as condescending, but if you have access to a therapist there in China, I humbly suggest you seek out their advice. They might help you sidestep some of the cultural hurdles you feel are in the way of what you want.
They’re in the US, but I appreciate your kindness.
My family emigrated and I’m currently in the US, where thankfully there is more acceptance for mental health issues.
And yes I’m in the process of getting help for depression… I did an intake last month… I had an evaluation today on a virtual appointment… but idk how long this shit is gonna take…
Next appointment is like… 2 weeks from now…
Idk why they keep repeatedly asking similar questions… ugh…
I can now see why people sometimes get desparate and start “talking” to an “AI” (aka: LLMs)